Where I am

Sitting here late at night with the family asleep and I alone with my thoughts.  They have been jumbled, sporadic, real, constant, and many.  Today, February 2nd marks 7 years that we lost a baby at 13 weeks in utero.  I have cried tears, tears that stream down my face and make me question so many things.  Just in the past few days my stomach has had an ache that just seems to be there.  Not having let up and then realizing the time of year, it seems as though I may be able to put a finger on it.  My body responding to the loss?  The change in things from 7 years ago?  My blessings that have been added since then?  Maybe I can’t put a finger on it but it leads me down the road of trying to figure it out.

I pulled out my memory box that I put together shortly after the loss – not sure what to put in it but so VERY thankful that I did.  Cards from friends –  people who I have lost touch with, cards from family, cards from our church at that time.  A small figurine of a baby at 10 weeks sent to me by the March of Dimes foundation, a small set of feet to wear as a pin.  Some dried flowers in a frame.  They are all just reminders of the pain that I went through then.  It has changed me in so many ways.

Yet, there still is a very core part of me that is so scared – scared to let the world know who I am.  Afraid to step out and stand up and be ME!!  My loss has allowed me to be “real” with individuals on a personal level – knowing that if I hadn’t had some individuals be “real” with me – I would not have known how they dealt with their loss and in turn able to help someone else who dealt or deals with it today.   But to put it all out there for others to critique, criticize, or even fire back is a struggle.

I go through a mirage of emotions at times wondering what my purpose is here on earth.  Feeling as though I don’t make a difference in the world, yet some days being absolutely certain that I have impacted a life or two along my journey.  It stirs my soul to reach out and let others know what a blessing they have been to me, just as much as I want to withdraw into myself and shut out the world – to take a break from the constant demands of my world around me.

Knowing that you have impacted someone’s life gives one a sense of meaning, accomplishment – something to return to when life seems to have them upside down, blindfolded and emptied out.  I encourage anyone that takes the time to read this to reach out to someone……let them know that they mattered in YOUR life.  I know I would LOVE to know if I have made a small difference in your life.  So leave me a comment (if you don’t want me to publish it, let me know) and share with me.