I went back and re-read this, having marked it private after writing it two years ago and I feel that I need to share it because much (not all) of it is true of how I feel at this point in life, yes again. I hope that it can help someone even just to know that you aren’t alone.
After much debate with myself – I have decided to come clean. I am depressed. I don’t want to be here in this state of mind but by admitting it to the world I hope to achieve several things – 1. Let people who think that I have it together realize that I too am human and have a fault (single though it is ….j/k) 2. Maybe help someone else who is going through or went through know that there is someone out there like them. 3. Maybe by putting it down in words will allow me to make heads or tails of it and get a “grip”.
I have had a very negative attitude lately and really struggled with what my purpose is in life. I feel that I am not worthy for many things and that life struggles have overcome my ability to be what others seem to be ~ happy. I realize that there is a cover that many people wear that allows other people to think that they have it together. I am taking it off! I have dealt with depression at many times of my life and have traveled many roads to deal with it. I have a firstborn nature – very driven and wanting perfection. I do understand that life is not like that and thus have really tried to succeed all the while either driving people away or wearing myself down to this point. I have found that I am the one who is the pursuer in relationships. If I am to get together with someone – it is “I” who makes the call. It has found me at a point in life that I wonder do I truly have friends or just pursued them and they feel stuck – so I sit here and await for the calls to come in(not really). I have found that sometimes honesty is awakening to people. I was talking to someone the other day and told them pretty much that. I have allowed people to expect me to call when we haven’t talked in a while and initiate the conversation, meeting, etc. So I have to step back and realize that I not only have taught people how to treat me but I now either have to teach them how to initiate the call or just let the relationship go as it will if I don’t see it as having a positive impact on life.
I have searched God in this and found that he is still there. My day may sometimes be as dark as my night, but I can talk to him at any time. When I am awake at 2 a.m. because I wake fearful or when I am laying there at 11 p.m. unable to fall asleep. I question myself and wonder if maybe I have drifted out of his will thus allowing me to be in the state I am. So in searching I went to www.gotquestions.org. This is what is said, “Clinical depression is a physical condition that must be diagnosed by a physician. It may not be caused by unfortunate life circumstances, nor can the symptoms be alleviated by one’s own will. Contrary to what some in the Christian community believe, clinical depression is not always caused by sin. Depression can sometimes be caused by a physical disorder that needs to be treated with medication and/or counseling. Of course, God is able to cure any disease or disorder. However, in some cases, seeing a doctor for depression is no different than seeing a doctor for an injury.” I do not use this quote as an excuse but as maybe a better understanding for someone who sees depression as something that can be a “quick fix”.
Sadness overcomes me and I feel the tears stream down my face as I recall past things that seem to have impacted my life. The difficult first year of marriage, the birth of our first child (second, third, & fourth), the loss of my babies – 2 miscarriages 6 months apart, the death of my cousin very shortly after my 2nd miscarriage at the young age of 34 – my current age, then most recently the death of a dear friend at the young age of 25 and then 2 other individuals that I knew at the ages of 29 and 23 – all parents of young children. I can only stop after writing that and Thank God that he has allowed me these struggles and sadness so that I am able to have compassion and be able to help someone else through the loss and sadness that I have been dealt. I am not asking for pity. I feel that I am a strong individual with a weakness as everyone else, that it catches me and I have to go to my “hiding” place and dig deep within to overcome the darkness that wants to overtake me. It is a fight that I have within me and know that it makes me stronger to deal with whatever lies ahead.
Many people have the image that I have it “together”. Well, here is the memo that I am sending out – Priscilla Adkins does not have it together. As Linda recently said to me – you are too hard on yourself. I am – always have been – and probably always will be – It is who I am. BUT on the same hand it holds truth as I need to realize that I am the one that is accountable for me and that I can say No!, I need to realize that Rome wasn’t built in a day and thus I am not the SuperMom that I want to think that I am and get the house packed, laundry done, dinner on the table every night, dishes done and put away, homework accomplished and still be raring to go with a great attitude. I need help! I have to ask for that help. I have to realize its ok for the parents of the children that I babysit to see a messy house every once in a while. I have to be ok with having good and bad days and as long as I have put forth my best and some days even my best isn’t good enough – but its ok.
So now that it’s out there – please don’t flood me with emails letting me know how much I mean to you unless of course you plan to keep on the charade so I don’t find you out. I would ask that you pray for me. Pray that I find a peaceful spirit and one that is humbling unto God. Pray that I keep the faith and keep pressing on. Just pray. Recently, Randy and I went to Holmes County and I had a magnet that has PUSH on it – standing for Pray Until Something Happens. That is what I need to do.
So for now – I see light at the end of the tunnel but I ask for a friend or two to keep their light shining for me until I reach the end.