My emotional outburst

So here I am in a rare moment of solitude.  Drowning in a sea of thoughts of what I want to fix in my life and how to go about it.  Struggling with life issues and how to move past my failures as a parent, wife, sister, daughter and friend.  How do you heal a broken spirit and move past the failures and regrets?  Anger has gotten in the way in the past few days only to complicate the already drug down feeling that I fight moving past.  If someone could see into my soul they would find one that so wants to be loved so fully and adored, yet I know that I block that by my “shera” attitude that is only a mask of what I really feel.  To really search and find me is difficult.  I, at times can’t seem to find a place in life that I relish in all aspects of true happiness.  Of course my upbringing directs me back to God.  He is the one to turn too.  It makes sense.  He is the one that created you and that can bring you peace that is inside and outside.  Yet, to truly find that in the busyness of being a mother of 4 and constantly in demand.  There is no time to really just be!  So here I sit trying to sort out my feelings amongst something that I enjoy – writing.  It seems as though I can put my feelings on paper much more than I can try and explain them in conversation.

I have really struggled these past few days and knowing that I wear my emotions on me like a heavy cloak makes it difficult to be around people and try to mask what I am feeling.  When I feel – it is deep and oozes out of my pores.  It just seems as though my character and patience has been put to the test this week.  Situation after situation has arisen that I have just had to press down b/c before I can truly think one through here comes another one and so I have come to the place where I need to conquer them. 

Having 4 children is wonderful.  I have always wanted a large family and to me even 4 is not large but that it where it is right now.  It is a situation that I am struggling with more on a personal level as there are several factors involved that hopefully time will take care of.  But having 4 children also presents demands in maybe more levels than 1 or 2 children do.  I have pretty independent children as Nathaniel is the biggest help in so many ways.  Being only 2 weeks away from being 8 – he is truly a blessing and is there to lend me a hand.  He has noticed that I am struggling with my emotions and attitude and has made a point of coming up and telling me that he loves me.  Isaiah has a love all his own as he is in constant protection of the little ones.  He is the first to make sure that they get on the slide and go down without falling and if they do fall – he is right there to pick them up and brush them off.   He is facing the ENT this week.  He has had strep throat and double ear infections 4 times in the past 6 months.  They are talking about having tubes put in his ears.  Not only is the cost of this troubling but all the details going into getting it to take place and just all the unknowns.

Sarah is a little me and is a mother to Silas.  Either wiping his nose or pulling him out of something she thinks he ought not be in.  She is to be 3 in August and there is the time factor for me of weaning.  I feel as though she is ready but struggle with being done with it and being down to 1 child nursing.  I have been nursing for almost 8 years!  2 1/2 years of that has been with 2 children nursing at the same time.  I feel a loss.  Then there is the potty training.  I have attempted it several times and this past week resulted in her flushing her panties down the toilet of course with Silas watching.  And of course Silas – my precious child whom I adore.  He is a very busy child and constantly on the go.  But it is taxing at time as last night from 2 a.m. to around 3:30 he was climbing across my head and crying and just didn’t want to lay down and sleep.  This makes for a very long day.

I do love my children dearly but being a stay at home mom requires hands on care 24 hours a day.  There are no breaks for me and I struggle with that sometimes of how to split my time between being a GOOD mother and still being a GOOD wife and taking time for me.  I understand that all women go through this.  I am just really at odds with myself on how to juggle them.  So I am blogging to try and get my feelings out there and maybe pull myself out of the spiral that I feel I’m in.

My biggest hurt in life right now is the lack of appreciation and love that I feel.  I feel as though I accomplish alot in a single day and do my best to help people out with even the smallest of wants or needs.  It just isn’t enough.  Yes, a thank you is nice.  But it is the lack in my spirit as I feel as though I still am not important enough.  Individuals just not having the care for people anymore.  What happened to the common courtesy of RSVPing?  Why would I want to bother inviting you if you can’t let me know whether you are coming or not?  Then you go to a party and the child gives you a thank you – what happened to the art of writing a note of appreciation – going that second step to let people know you didn’t just take the easy way out and just say thank you.  Maybe its me – and its never crossed your mind.  But I do know that should you get a card in the mail – you think wow – that was nice! Why not send someone a card just because they are special and mean something to you?  Life is so busy and we tend to not make time for those who matter most.  Why does life have to be a constant whirlwind of activities and then you want to try and plug me in where you see fit?  Can’t you take the time to schedule in a visit or call and set up a time that works for the both of us?

It has been told before that we are more polite to people that we don’t know than we are to those we truly care for.  Why is it so difficult to say thank you to the one who cooks you dinner every night (ok, or every other) – and then to carry your dishes to the dishwasher or clear the table – again the second mile is the one that really counts (at least w/me).  Do you know that I just managed to cook dinner amongst children that just woke up from a nap, intercepting fights and phone calls and now ready to just throw in the towel and go take a nap?!

I am more of a deep thinker and thus many of the feelings that maybe no one has ever dealt with before.  I find forgiveness being one of those things.  I have found forgiveness and been shown forgiveness yet there are so many that are in the world and even those in the Christian realm whom I find that lack the true forgiveness of Christ.  I am sure that there are some areas in my life too in which I lack the full forgiveness but I am searching to find that.  It is truly frustrating to me that people hold onto hurts that were dealt them years ago.  People really do change!  If only we as humans would give them room to grow in Christ and pray for them instead of hold their past against them.  I agree some cautions need to be made but if we don’t have Faith that Christ will protect those we love – how can we show the love of Christ that he so freely has shown us.

And then there is death.  I have really lived in a world in which it seemed as though I just lost Ashley that she wasn’t really gone.  Yet after talking to a family member of hers and seeing the depth of brokeness realize its true.  It is crushing!  It breaks my heart that someone has to go through so much grief.  It then snowballs….the loss of my babies 4 years ago.  My aunt losing her daughter at age 34.  How much she grieved.  Just knowing that you can’t fix any of the hurt, you can’t take it away.  Time does heal but the loss is very vivid especially at occasions where their loss is more prominent.  All of these issues compounded have led me to a broken spirit in which I have to piece together and make a conscious decision to let them go and do my best to be the best that I can be.  The anger that I have felt has not been justified.  This is life and I have to choose to make the most of it.  It would just be nice to know that you are loved and appreciated along the way so that the flowers at your funeral aren’t just an empty reminder to people that you forgot to say thank you or I love you to those you truly love and appreciate. 

So if you want to share with me what you love and admire, it would be quite helpful knowing that there are people out there that can make your day a little brighter.