A light at the end of the tunnel

After much debate with myself – I have decided to come clean.  I am depressed.  I don’t want to be here in this state of mind but by admitting it to the world I hope to achieve several things – 1.  Let people who think that I have it together realize that I too am human and have a fault (single though it is ….j/k) 2. Maybe help someone else who is going through or went through know that there is someone out there like them.  3. Maybe by putting it down in words will allow me to make heads or tails of it and get a “grip”.

I have had a very negative attitude lately and really struggled with what my purpose is in life.  I feel that I am not worthy for many things and that life struggles have overcome my ability to be what others seem to be ~ happy.  I realize that there is a cover that many people wear that allows other people to think that they have it together.  I am taking it off!  I have dealt with depression at many times of my life and have traveled many roads to deal with it.  I have a firstborn nature – very driven and wanting perfection.  I do understand that life is not like that and thus have really tried to succeed all the while either driving people away or wearing myself down to this point.  I have found that I am the one who is the pursuer in relationships.  If I am to get together with someone – it is “I” who makes the call.  It has found me at a point in life that I wonder do I truly have friends or just pursued them and they feel stuck – so I sit here and await for the calls to come in(not really).  I have found that sometimes honesty is awakening to people.  I was talking to someone the other day and told them pretty much that.  I have allowed people to expect me to call when we haven’t talked in a while and initiate the conversation, meeting, etc.  So I have to step back and realize that I not only have taught people how to treat me but I now either have to teach them how to initiate the call or just let the relationship go as it will if I don’t see it as having a positive impact on life.

I have searched God in this and found that he is still there.  My day may sometimes be as dark as my night, but I can talk to him at any time.  When I am awake at 2 a.m. because I wake fearful or when I am laying there at 11 p.m. unable to fall asleep.  I question myself and wonder if maybe I have drifted out of his will thus allowing me to be in the state I am.  So in searching I went to www.gotquestions.org.  This is what is said, “Clinical depression is a physical condition that must be diagnosed by a physician. It may not be caused by unfortunate life circumstances, nor can the symptoms be alleviated by one’s own will. Contrary to what some in the Christian community believe, clinical depression is not always caused by sin. Depression can sometimes be caused by a physical disorder that needs to be treated with medication and/or counseling. Of course, God is able to cure any disease or disorder. However, in some cases, seeing a doctor for depression is no different than seeing a doctor for an injury.”  I do not use this quote as an excuse but as maybe a better understanding for someone who sees depression as something that can be a “quick fix”. 

Sadness overcomes me and I feel the tears stream down my face as I recall past things that seem to have impacted my life.  The difficult first year of marriage, the birth of our first child (second, third, & fourth), the loss of my babies – 2 miscarriages 6 months apart, the death of my cousin very shortly after my 2nd miscarriage at the young age of 34 – my current age,  then most recently the death of a dear friend at the young age of 25 and then 2 other individuals that I knew at the ages of 29 and 23 – all parents of young children.  I can only stop after writing that and Thank God that he has allowed me these struggles and sadness so that I am able to have compassion and be able to help someone else through the loss and sadness that I have been dealt.  I am not asking for pity.  I feel that I am a strong individual with a weakness as everyone else, that it catches me and I have to go to my “hiding” place and dig deep within to overcome the darkness that wants to overtake me.  It is a fight that I have within me and know that it makes me stronger to deal with whatever lies ahead. 

Many people have the image that I have it “together”.  Well, here is the memo that I am sending out – Priscilla Adkins does not have it together.  As Linda recently said to me – you are too hard on yourself.  I am – always have been – and probably always will be – It is who I am.  BUT on the same hand it holds truth as I need to realize that I am the one that is accountable for me and that I can say No!, I need to realize that Rome wasn’t built in a day and thus I am not the SuperMom that I want to think that I am and get the house packed, laundry done, dinner on the table every night, dishes done and put away, homework accomplished and still be raring to go with a great attitude.  I need help!  I have to ask for that help.  I have to realize its ok for the parents of the children that I babysit to see a messy house every once in a while.   I have to be ok with having good and bad days and as long as I have put forth my best and some days even my best isn’t good enough – but its ok. 

So now that it’s out there – please don’t flood me with emails letting me know how much I mean to you unless of course you plan to keep on the charade so I don’t find you out.  I would ask that you pray for me.  Pray that I find a peaceful spirit and one that is humbling unto God.  Pray that I keep the faith and keep pressing on.  Just pray.  Recently, Randy and I went to Holmes County and I had a magnet that has PUSH on it – standing for Pray Until Something Happens.  That is what I need to do. 

So for now – I see light at the end of the tunnel but I ask for a friend or two to keep their light shining for me until I reach the end.

My journey with pneumonia

Wow!  What a ride life can sometimes bring.  A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor after not feeling good for about 4 days.  I had no voice and was not breathing full breaths of air.  I was told that I was very sick!  I had pneumonia and larynigitis.  The doctor called my husband and told him he needed to take off work and I was to be on total bed rest.  Yeah right!  Isaiah was at the end of his treatment of pneumonia and Sarah & Silas had some ear troubles going on along with not feeling well.  Randy and Nathaniel seemed to be the only “healthy” ones in the house.  So of course I went home and went to bed (for a little bit).  On Friday after getting showered and dressed for the day – had a spell where I couldn’t catch a full breath.  It was scary!  We threw the kids in the van and Randy took me to the hospital.  There they gave me a breathing treatment and pumped me with an IV of antibiotics along with some oral antibiotics.  I was released after xrays and being told I defnitely had pneumonia. 

So back at home – trying to stay in bed and rest.  My thoughts are intense as the doctor had told Randy that this could be lethal if it was not taken care of.  So I immediately think of Ashley and what her thoughts might have been knowing that she was so sick but didn’t have the engery to speak.  I think of all the things that I needed to do yet.  In talking to my sister Elizabeth – she tells me that maybe God brought me to this place so that I could slow down and listen.  Of course, we all need to take the time to listen to what God has to say to us.  We get so caught up in living and going through the motions of the mundane things that we forget to focus on what is truly important.

Thinking about what I took away from this experience – I realize that I want to teach my children more bible verses.  They are what I drew on during this time.  I remember learning scripture in Sunday School while I was younger and how it has stuck with me.  It is so very important because in the last days when we are stripped away of all that we have of physical Christianity we still have those verses that are embedded in our heart.

A couple verses that really stuck out to me was “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6.  This verse made me think that just because I was down I needed to trust that he was in control and knew I was where I needed to be.  I get wrapped up in trying to control my world around me and sometimes get out of line that HE is truly in control and I need to just trust him to take care of those things that I feel I need to care for.  It allowed me to realize that there are people out there that want to help and because I want to take on the “Shera” attitude it puts them off wanting to step in.  Being down humbled me, there wasn’t a meal that we missed, it didn’t take me to make sure that everyone got fed.  The church people and family stepped in and brought dinner to our house so that I didn’t have that worry.  Again, that brings another verse  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”  Philippians 4:6.  I couldn’t talk above a whisper and knew that with laying there I had all the time to worry – worry about how the kids were going to do with me not being up and around to make sure that they did what they were supposed to ( b/c I work on schedule and want them to eat around a certain time and go to bed at a certain time etc. as that is how I function).  But I was shown that flexibility is something that I need to work on.  It doesn’t matter if they went to bed 10 minutes later than usual – they made it there.  If they didn’t eat right at 5:00, there may have been a meltdown but it wasn’t going to kill them.  I laid there and prayed much, knowing that God had it under control and he knows our hearts desires.  I couldn’t truly worry about the house closing and getting things packed to move and worry about where we were going to move to because it didn’t accomplish anything and if I just prayed I felt that I was taking it to God and moving it out of my “worry box” and into his “I care about you and will work this out for you box”.  I was giving him back control from where I was trying to take it and make it work with my feeble abilities.  And always when I really need to hear that I can’t do it on my own these words play in my head.

“The battle’s not mine,” said Little David,
“Lord, it’s Thine, I’m in Your favor.
I’m giving it all to You, I knew not what to do.
I’m so glad You let me see, You’re really all that I need.
For the battle’s not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it’s Thine.”

1. Little David looked so small, Goliath looked so tall,
The odds were just too high for Little David.
So he shook off all of his load for with the power of God he was bold,
He said, “The battle’s not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it’s Thine.”

CHORUS:

2. A Little David he stood tall, now Goliath seemed so small,
Sweet victory had reigned for Little David.
He gave the battle to One with a record for getting things done,
He said, “The battle’s not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it’s Thine.”

These verses and the song I feel are God speaking to me in his ever gentle way reminding me that he cares for Me and wants the best for me.  I just have to take these lessons and apply them to my life. 

I went back to the hospital last Saturday evening because I still didn’t feel very good and was having trouble breathing deep and constant rib/back pain.  I finally had my voice back after a week and some days of not being able to talk (sometimes God teaches us that listening is better than talking and they had xrays that were taken a week after my initial diagnosis – it showed that I still had pneumonia, it was receeding but still there.  I was put on another antibiotic and some given pain medication to help with the rib/back discomfort.  They had said that had I been an older person I would have been put in the hospital for sure and may not have made it b/c of the level of pneumonia.  That is an awakening to know that your life can be snuffed out without you having time to prepare for death in the sense of getting things in order.  To know that I have been given more opportunity to “let my light so shine” and to teach my children the scriptures, to wrap them in the prescense of God was so more important than struggling with where we are going to live and how to make sure that the kids school supplies were ready.  All that is meaningless because it is our destination that matters – going to Heaven.  The rest is something that I can leave in the hands of an Almighty God because he is in control.

An update:

This finds me feeling much better and back on the road to recovery.  The boys have started school here in Huber where they attended last year.  We have closed on our house that we are living in and have a contract on one in Vandalia .  We will move the boys to that school when we get settled in the house fully.  I only have 1 box packed but know that it will get done.  I just have to focus on the important things and the rest will fall into place.  Keep us in your prayers as we undertake this moving process.  The house that we are hoping to buy requires lots of updates but will be quite sufficient in space for our family.  Thank you for your prayers in my recovery.  Isaiah will be going for his tonsillectomy, ear tubes and adnoid removal on Wed. and will be out for 8-10 days.  We pray that this will be a smooth process.

My emotional outburst

So here I am in a rare moment of solitude.  Drowning in a sea of thoughts of what I want to fix in my life and how to go about it.  Struggling with life issues and how to move past my failures as a parent, wife, sister, daughter and friend.  How do you heal a broken spirit and move past the failures and regrets?  Anger has gotten in the way in the past few days only to complicate the already drug down feeling that I fight moving past.  If someone could see into my soul they would find one that so wants to be loved so fully and adored, yet I know that I block that by my “shera” attitude that is only a mask of what I really feel.  To really search and find me is difficult.  I, at times can’t seem to find a place in life that I relish in all aspects of true happiness.  Of course my upbringing directs me back to God.  He is the one to turn too.  It makes sense.  He is the one that created you and that can bring you peace that is inside and outside.  Yet, to truly find that in the busyness of being a mother of 4 and constantly in demand.  There is no time to really just be!  So here I sit trying to sort out my feelings amongst something that I enjoy – writing.  It seems as though I can put my feelings on paper much more than I can try and explain them in conversation.

I have really struggled these past few days and knowing that I wear my emotions on me like a heavy cloak makes it difficult to be around people and try to mask what I am feeling.  When I feel – it is deep and oozes out of my pores.  It just seems as though my character and patience has been put to the test this week.  Situation after situation has arisen that I have just had to press down b/c before I can truly think one through here comes another one and so I have come to the place where I need to conquer them. 

Having 4 children is wonderful.  I have always wanted a large family and to me even 4 is not large but that it where it is right now.  It is a situation that I am struggling with more on a personal level as there are several factors involved that hopefully time will take care of.  But having 4 children also presents demands in maybe more levels than 1 or 2 children do.  I have pretty independent children as Nathaniel is the biggest help in so many ways.  Being only 2 weeks away from being 8 – he is truly a blessing and is there to lend me a hand.  He has noticed that I am struggling with my emotions and attitude and has made a point of coming up and telling me that he loves me.  Isaiah has a love all his own as he is in constant protection of the little ones.  He is the first to make sure that they get on the slide and go down without falling and if they do fall – he is right there to pick them up and brush them off.   He is facing the ENT this week.  He has had strep throat and double ear infections 4 times in the past 6 months.  They are talking about having tubes put in his ears.  Not only is the cost of this troubling but all the details going into getting it to take place and just all the unknowns.

Sarah is a little me and is a mother to Silas.  Either wiping his nose or pulling him out of something she thinks he ought not be in.  She is to be 3 in August and there is the time factor for me of weaning.  I feel as though she is ready but struggle with being done with it and being down to 1 child nursing.  I have been nursing for almost 8 years!  2 1/2 years of that has been with 2 children nursing at the same time.  I feel a loss.  Then there is the potty training.  I have attempted it several times and this past week resulted in her flushing her panties down the toilet of course with Silas watching.  And of course Silas – my precious child whom I adore.  He is a very busy child and constantly on the go.  But it is taxing at time as last night from 2 a.m. to around 3:30 he was climbing across my head and crying and just didn’t want to lay down and sleep.  This makes for a very long day.

I do love my children dearly but being a stay at home mom requires hands on care 24 hours a day.  There are no breaks for me and I struggle with that sometimes of how to split my time between being a GOOD mother and still being a GOOD wife and taking time for me.  I understand that all women go through this.  I am just really at odds with myself on how to juggle them.  So I am blogging to try and get my feelings out there and maybe pull myself out of the spiral that I feel I’m in.

My biggest hurt in life right now is the lack of appreciation and love that I feel.  I feel as though I accomplish alot in a single day and do my best to help people out with even the smallest of wants or needs.  It just isn’t enough.  Yes, a thank you is nice.  But it is the lack in my spirit as I feel as though I still am not important enough.  Individuals just not having the care for people anymore.  What happened to the common courtesy of RSVPing?  Why would I want to bother inviting you if you can’t let me know whether you are coming or not?  Then you go to a party and the child gives you a thank you – what happened to the art of writing a note of appreciation – going that second step to let people know you didn’t just take the easy way out and just say thank you.  Maybe its me – and its never crossed your mind.  But I do know that should you get a card in the mail – you think wow – that was nice! Why not send someone a card just because they are special and mean something to you?  Life is so busy and we tend to not make time for those who matter most.  Why does life have to be a constant whirlwind of activities and then you want to try and plug me in where you see fit?  Can’t you take the time to schedule in a visit or call and set up a time that works for the both of us?

It has been told before that we are more polite to people that we don’t know than we are to those we truly care for.  Why is it so difficult to say thank you to the one who cooks you dinner every night (ok, or every other) – and then to carry your dishes to the dishwasher or clear the table – again the second mile is the one that really counts (at least w/me).  Do you know that I just managed to cook dinner amongst children that just woke up from a nap, intercepting fights and phone calls and now ready to just throw in the towel and go take a nap?!

I am more of a deep thinker and thus many of the feelings that maybe no one has ever dealt with before.  I find forgiveness being one of those things.  I have found forgiveness and been shown forgiveness yet there are so many that are in the world and even those in the Christian realm whom I find that lack the true forgiveness of Christ.  I am sure that there are some areas in my life too in which I lack the full forgiveness but I am searching to find that.  It is truly frustrating to me that people hold onto hurts that were dealt them years ago.  People really do change!  If only we as humans would give them room to grow in Christ and pray for them instead of hold their past against them.  I agree some cautions need to be made but if we don’t have Faith that Christ will protect those we love – how can we show the love of Christ that he so freely has shown us.

And then there is death.  I have really lived in a world in which it seemed as though I just lost Ashley that she wasn’t really gone.  Yet after talking to a family member of hers and seeing the depth of brokeness realize its true.  It is crushing!  It breaks my heart that someone has to go through so much grief.  It then snowballs….the loss of my babies 4 years ago.  My aunt losing her daughter at age 34.  How much she grieved.  Just knowing that you can’t fix any of the hurt, you can’t take it away.  Time does heal but the loss is very vivid especially at occasions where their loss is more prominent.  All of these issues compounded have led me to a broken spirit in which I have to piece together and make a conscious decision to let them go and do my best to be the best that I can be.  The anger that I have felt has not been justified.  This is life and I have to choose to make the most of it.  It would just be nice to know that you are loved and appreciated along the way so that the flowers at your funeral aren’t just an empty reminder to people that you forgot to say thank you or I love you to those you truly love and appreciate. 

So if you want to share with me what you love and admire, it would be quite helpful knowing that there are people out there that can make your day a little brighter.

An amazing woman

Yes, I am talking about my mother.  I find that with Mother’s Day coming is a fine day to tell you about what a wonderful individual Beth Shade is!  Of course, many of you reading this already know.  But don’t stop reading because it may help you love her even more.

I was adopted at the age of………ok, no – she gave birth to me and as my brother proclaimed on my last birthday – I robbed him of his only child status.  Mom went on to have 3 more of us girls.  Life was very busy in our household as she had all of us and our activities, she was Dad’s right hand woman whether it was calling on the church people with him or changing the oil.  Mom just jumped in where she was needed.  She still does that!

Mom comes to my house usually 2 days a week – yes, I am very blessed but don’t be jealous of me yet – wait until I get through this paragraph.  She comes to visit and gets a little more than what she may have baragained for.  I give her the privilege of mopping my kitchen floor, cleaning my bathroom and watching my kids.  You know that tasks that at times seem mundane and not so glorifying.  She enjoys it – she said that – not me!  I am very appreciative of it.  So much I wanted you all to know that my house is not clean b/c of me – its my mother!  She makes my life easier b/c she knows the challenges of raising little rambuctious soldiers and a little princess and how busy times and unappreciative the mundane tasks are.

Ok, so now you can be jealous….but I have more.

My mother is always busy – she likes being busy.  I am sure that her tires on her car and the cell phone could tell a number of stories that we don’t know about.  The things that she does for other people with them not knowing much of the time.  She is of value.  I am so very appreciative of my mother and who she is.  She is not the woman that raised me – she has definitely matured and has way surpassed her.  She doesn’t believe that spanking is as effective today  – I wish she would have found that out 34 years ago!  I would have been wild and on my 1st tattoo and piercing!  Not really……

Anyways – I wanted to share a piece of my mother with you all and let it be publicly known that I appreciate her.  She is very dear to me and I couldn’t have asked God for a better mother – he gave me the one that was just right for ME!

I love you Mama!

Life is short

I recently had a close friend pass away unexpectedly at the age of 25.  Her name was Ashley Wilson Hofele and she left behind a 2 1/2 year old and a husband of 3 years.  It has impacted me in a way that I hope changes me forever! 

Finding words to express the void that I fill and what I want to say is difficult.  Ashley and I spent much time together especially during the younger years of my older boys.  She would come and get them just because she liked hanging out with them.  During her time of chemo and many doctor appointments, she would invite me to go along and we would hang out.  It was always a fun time – never really focused on the Lupus that her body carried.  I remember we would leave the appointment and she would call a series of people to let them know what the doctor said.  I would hear it repeated many times and think – geez, if this was me I would call 2 people and tell them, and that would be it.  She was just open like that. 

But yet, I was still surprised – amazed really, at the turnout at her viewing.  Around 1500 people.  That is alot of lives that she touched in 25 years!  People waited for 2 + hours to visit the family and view the body.  It impacted me in a way of how I reach out to others.  Have I touched lives in a profound way that they will want to reach out to my family in letting them know how special I was?  Do people see Jesus in me?  No one is perfect – Ashley and I had moments of disagreements but with all due her – she was always helping someone in some way or another.  No one that knew her could call her selfish.  Her parents are the same way……generous beyond measure.  My life has been touched by knowing Ashley and having been her friend.  I can remember countless conversations of her applauding me as to so many things.  She was a great encourager and uplifting.  I so miss that.

My heart is still grieving the loss of Ashley – I can’t seem to wrap my mind around never talking to her again in person.  The stamina and ability to function that the Wilson Family and Jesse have shown is amazing and God-given.  They have comforted me during this sadness – as I struggle to find the words to comfort them.  Death is difficult and brings so much into focus and then when someone at a young age passes and unexpectedly, it brings a mirage of feelings into perspective.

My style is not to preach at people for them to find the Lord.  I find that living a life that is pleasing to God can speak volumes.  I have family members and friends that have displaced God  – not making him a priority.  If this one thing doesn’t speak volumes  – GOD is in control – you might want to check your pulse and make sure your still living.  He can surely take you out whether you are ready to go or not and not anyone or anything can save you when your number is called.  That is powerful!  I know that I want to be ready to go to Heaven so that any given moment I am called, I am ready.

There are people that are given wake up calls – cancer, a health issue, death of a loved one and it doesn’t seem to shake them.  So let this be a warning that God just may not give you another chance and just take you. 

Again – I really didn’t mean to preach – I have a jumble of thoughts but wanted to get out what was on my heart.  I feel a void with Ashley gone and hug my children a little tighter and pray constantly!  This being said – don’t wait to let your loved ones know that you love them.  Honor them, encourage them.  Let them know just how important they are to you.  I want to value people in my life not things. 

Much love to all who reads this.  I will pray that you find the peace that satisfies your soul.

My dad

My dad has impacted my life in a way that no other has.  Many tell me I act just like him.  I can see the resemblence in some of our characteristics.  I take that as a compliment although others may not mean it that way.  Let me tell you why.

I was raised in a very strict family.  My dad became a pastor in 1980.  I was only 5 years old.  I can remember living in Bradford and having a older brother and just one younger sister at the time.  My dad worked fulltime at General Motors and then was working on cars in the evenings and weekends.  I remember visiting him out in the garage on occasion.  We would chat sometimes and other times I was just in the way.  But I remember he would ask me to get him a tool.  At 5 years old I wasn’t sure what a phillips or straight was – he taught me. 

As I grew older and we moved several times – him always working at General Motors and also pastoring and working on cars on the side.  He was trying to keep food on the table and provide for a wife and 5 children.  I didn’t realize then that he worked hard to provide for us.  It wasn’t him just avoiding us but trying to meet our needs and our wants. 

When we moved to Sidney – I remember some of the challenges presented.  He was pastoring a church in Sidney and we were living in the parsonage next door.  I was still living at home at age 18 (which I continued to do so until I married at age 25).  Because we were a pastor’s family it was a must that we must also keep in line with the dress “code” that the church held.  Dad had gotten me a position at Delphi and I felt as though I didn’t fit in.  So after about 6 months or so after working there, I decided to start wearing pants to work and then change before I got home.  Uhhhh…..didn’t work out so well for me b/c Dad visited me one day at work as he was working next door and seen me in the pants.  I was heartbroken as I knew I had disappointed him.  He never mentioned it to me though and let me grow knowing that there were some decisions that I needed to make on my own.  I just had to respect his boundaries – no wearing pants in the house and he kept mum (probably very difficult) on what I wore when I was out.

I remember going out driving with him and the different tidbits of information he offered that still stick with me to this day……

when you come to a curve you don’t have to use your break the curve will slow you down – take your foot off the gas.

if you ever date a guy and there isn’t a door handle on the inside of his car – don’t get in – cause you probably can’t get out!

don’t drive mad – I remember wanting to leave one day b/c I was so angry and he took my keys away from me and wouldn’t let me leave.

He also taught me how to change my oil in the car and care for it.  I remember with pride changing my alternator in my 88 Ford Escort GT and being so proud of myself.  I took it up to AutoZone to get another and the guy said “when whomever puts this back on”…..I said “that will be me”.  I was able to fix it all by myself and was so proud.  I learned how to care for my car b/c my dad took the time to show me.

In many other areas of life – there were things that he repeated and I remember and they stick with me and at times pop in my head. 

Don’t scrimp on a mattress or shoes – because if you aren’t in one, your in the other. 

My dad has been a great inspiration to me and has always motivated me to do my best.  He has been there to cheer me on and to help me through some sticky situations without completely bailing me out.  He had told us that he would pay for our first ticket.  I had went away to a college for a weekend at age 16 and got a speeding ticket on the way home (it was about 3 hours away) – just as I was turning to go the last couple of blocks home – I hit the back of a car – thinking that it had turned.  I took him 2 tickets that day.  My first 2 – I think that he got the bad end of the deal as he paid for both of them since they happened in the same day and both my parents went to court with me.  Any tickets after that though I was the one shelling out the cash.

There were also adventures that I was able to go on b/c Dad made it possible for me to go.  I was able to go to the Holy Land one year with him and then a couple years later back again to the Holy Land and Egypt with him.  I am so grateful that I was able to experience these things at a young age.  He also made it a point that we go on a family vacation every year.  Since taking vacations with my family – I don’t see how he did it.  The cost of taking a road trip for a weekend even to Kentucky for us now is around $300.  We were able to visit Niagra Falls, Washington D.C., Gatlinburg, TN and many other sites that I remember.  He must have made some sacrifices to make memories for us.  I so appreciate it now!

Still at age 33 (soon to be 34) my dad still helps me along.  There are many times that he will take us to dinner or help fix something that needs fixed and Randy needed an extra hand and many other things that greatly help us out.  To know that my dad loves me and is still around to show me is the best feeling in the world. 

He is about to retire after 35 + years at General Motors (now Delphi) and I feel blessed to know that his perserverance has paid off.  They have provided him with a job that has allowed me to reap many blessings.  I thank my dad for sticking with it and although it probably was a struggle many days to go to work, He did it so that we could have the stability that we needed to grow up and venture out on our own.  Thanks Dad!  I love you!

Blessings

About a week ago I choked on a piece of meat.  Just sitting there having dinner w/my family and choked.  I couldn’t breathe, talk – anything.  I kept pointing at my throat and looking at Randy.  As he saw my face turning red, he came over and I stood up.  He did the heimlach manuever and it came up.

Amazing how just one situation can make you take a look at your life and see how blessed you are to have one more breathe.  And then to look at all the blessings in your life.  So many times we are looking at how bad life is for us and forget about just the little things – like breathing – that we take for granted. 

I look at my family and how blessed we are.  We are healthy with no serious illnesses – just an occasional cold.  My husband has a job that has employed for 9 years now and he is valuable to the company.  He actually likes his job which is another huge plus.  He is also able to lend his talent to his sister who pays him to utilize his artistic ability with the company that they own and operate.  I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home and raise my children.  Many of these things are an abnormality in today’s society but one that I feel very grateful that God has blessed us with.

There have been some pretty interesting situations, too, in which I feel as though God is reaching down and giving us a hug and saying, “I love you”.  Recently our van, in which we are leasing, the sliding door lock wasn’t working properly.  We had it checked out and found out that it was going to cost us around $700 + dollars b/c it was JUST over being out of warranty.  They called Chrysler and they agreed to cover it and it only cost us $50.  How can that not be a blessing? 

There has been many times in which God “hugs” us to let us know that he loves us.  Situations where people have taken us out to eat – which with a family of 6 is an expense even w/discounts , given us clothes, gave us money just b/c they love us and want to help us out, watched our kids so that we can enjoy a night out.  All these are blessings to me.  There are so many times I don’t feel I deserve the outpouring of love that has been shown us and I have to remember that it can teach me to be humble.  To be able to receive these blessings and be so grateful for them is a humbling experience.  

I am so amazed that God has allowed us to have all that we have.  To look around me and see friends that are troubled with marital problems, behavioral problems with their children, difficulty making ends meet, health issues – makes me realize just how BLESSED I am.   And my way of giving back is to be there for my friends and try to help them see through their trials that can definitely turn into blessings.  I know – its happen to me many times.

May your day be blessed!

She has how many?

I have found the story of the mother of octuplets to be truly intriguing and then to listen to people around me voice their opinions about the situation even more so intriguing.  So very many are totally critical of the situation and it is astounding how many view her as so “out there.” 

 

Being a mother of only 4 myself – I can identify with her on the level of wanting many babies to fill the desire of unconditional love that these babies give you – especially in their early years.  It does seem selfish to many in one sense but when you feel so strongly the mothering yearning – you feel as though you could love a hundred!  My heart goes out to her as there are so many critical opinions of her and yet we will probably never hear the entire story. 

When watching some of the footage from Dateline – I was really taken how she interacted w/her children.  Yes, it could have all been for camera appearance only BUT it made me think.  Here I am with 4 children and do I always spend quality time w/them – am I the best mother I can be?  No!  There are so many people who want to point fingers at her not being a good mother just b/c she is stretched between 14 children.  How many of us are good parents w/the 1, 2, 3 or more that we have?   

As a mother of 4 and even before I had 4 – I have had a variety of people tell me that I have enough, was I really going to have more or even boldly say – oh they don’t need any more!  Even now – its a question – are you done?  WOW!!  So here it is……..at this point in life I am very blessed to have 4 healthy children.  Am I ready to close the door and say YEP I am done …..ABSOLUTELY NOT!!  If God blesses us with more children – we will readily accept them.  God said in Genesis 1:28 “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth….”  I am just keeping up to my end of the bargain.   And on the other hand if God decides that we have done our part and we are done….so be it.

Just because 1, 2, 3 children are right for you doesn’t mean that its that for everyone.  Yes, we all have our struggles no matter how many we have and I have been Extremely blessed to have generous people in our lives who make it much easier to have a larger family.  They help us out with outgrown clothes, coats and other items that we might not of had otherwise.  I feel that my sister-in-law Mendy (and family) has been a huge blessing in this area as she has always keep a steady supply of outgrown clothes coming our way ever since we have had our first child!

And if you really look at it – having a large family for me has been a dream – it is teaching our children so much!  The materialistic wants of our children are going to be left behind one day and may not be important but they will always know the love of their family if we build our family relationship around people not things. 

So in saying all this I sum it up with  – just because you wouldn’t have chosen to have more children that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t either.

Losses vs Gains

The anniversary of my first miscarriage is on Feb. 3.  It has been 4 years.  The time has passed quickly and it has been on my mind alot about what I took away from the experience.

In losing my baby at 13 weeks it was something that was so foreign to me. Many people commented that it wasn’t a baby, how could one be so attached to something that barely had a start at life let alone one that I would never hold.  Yet, when I lost this child – life changed for me and around me.  I became more aware of how things mean different things to different people.  I gained the insight that feelings are just that – feelings.  Just because one person didn’t mourn a loss like you doesn’t mean that it meant any lesser to them. 

I have become more aware of what I say to people in situations b/c many times they just want to be heard – not to hear that your aunt Susie went through the same thing 15 years ago.  They want to feel validated that they are hurting and that you care.  I feel that I have gained the ability to give that person the sake of feeling that hurt w/o feeling as though I know what they are feeling.

Looking back at the last four years – I have also gained 2 more children.  I would not have Sarah nor Silas if I would of had this child (or the 2nd one that I lost at 10 weeks on Sept. 4).  To know that I have 2 babies in Heaven waiting on me is something that I often think about.

Losing my babies has really made me realize that I am not in control of what happens to me.  God has a bigger plan and if it had to happen that I lost 2 babies to get the message – then I am thankful that he did it subtly and I have 4 healthy children to be thankful for each and everyday.

I am grateful that I was able to receive the miscarriages in a positive way and that I have been able to minister to others through my grief.  I carry the emptiness of the loss with me each and every day but know that I have gained strength from God to help me deal with it.  I have realized that many don’t remember that I still feel the ache from losing my babies and that is ok.  It is something that I personally feel and don’t wish to place it on anyone else.  But it has made me realize that there are many who have lost loved ones who never truly “get over” the loss.  I can empathize with them b/c it seems as though I will never “get over” it – I just have to move on and tuck it into my heart as part of who I am.  I feel this has given me a little more sensitivity to someone who has lost someone that they love.

So I ask that if you come across someone who has been through or going through a loss – that you just listen and a simple hug or I’m sorry will be much better than blundering through a series of words that really don’t express how you feel.  Allow the person to grieve as we are all individuals and for some it is a short journey and others a lifetime to move on.  And for me its ok to talk about my loss – it is a part of remembering my 2 angels that are in heaven and it has helped create the individual that I am today.